Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
