even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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