I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
