i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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