i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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