just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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