My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
