I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
