This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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