A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
