It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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