There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
