Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
