Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
