Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
