yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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