Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
