Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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