Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
