You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
