I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
