but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
