I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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