next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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