Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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