Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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