my phone needs a breathalizer
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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