before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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