I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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