if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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