Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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