Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
