People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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