you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
