Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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