I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
