I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
