Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
