So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
