The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
