Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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