It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dick very happy bro
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
