I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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