We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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