I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
