Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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