I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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