Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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