i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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