im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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